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Welcome to Mike Redmond's home on the Weird Wide Web!

Greetings, Earth People. I'm Mike Redmond. Not the baseball player. Instead of making you guess the rest, I'll just go ahead and tell you who I am and what I do.

  • I'm a newspaper columnist -- formerly the feature columnist for The Indianapolis Star (back when you could call it a newspaper). I bailed out of the place about two years after Gannett bought it, and I still count that as the best decision I ever made. My creditors don't always agree.
  • Now I write for papers around Central Indiana, a magazine or two, and this site. I'm also a public speaker, a teacher, an historical (as opposed to hysterical) interpreter, a farm tour guide, and occasionally, when I can be talked into it, an author. They're all my favorite jobs.
  • This is where you'll find my online column, posted every Wednesday, unless I get ambitious and post it Tuesday. But don't count on it.
  • This is also where to look for news about speaking engagements, new jobs, friends, and stuff that strikes me as interesting. I'll probably throw in a few recipes, too. I get wild like that sometimes.
  • Take a look around. Let's have some fun.

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Spring Has Sprung. Also Exploded.


Spring has not sprung.


You might assume that I am not 100 percent in favor of this arrival-of-spring-thing, and you would be right. Oh, I'm as tired of winter as you are - and I'm a person who actually likes winter. How could you not like a season that has Christmas, Groundhog's Day and National Pancake Day in it?

But this year's winter has been, to use the meteorological term, a lulu. Snow, ice, cold, kids home from school for months at a time ... it was almost as bad as the winters our parents used to tell us about where they had to walk five miles through raging blizzards just to get a Hershey Bar, or the winter Uncle Jehosephat got lost going out to the barn to do the milking and showed up two days later at the neighbors' with a copious amount of cough medicine on his breath, wearing one of his boots as a hat, singing "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah" and carrying a chicken he had named Old Blue.

So yes, I've had about enough winter, too. But that does not mean I am ready for spring. Spring, after all, means yard work, and I detest yard work.

A little while ago I took a look around the back yard to determine what must be done to get it into some reasonable semblance of shape. Here are my notes:

1.      Scoop up dog bombs. Get BIG scooper and bucket. Cut down size and frequency of dog's meals.

2.       Hire landscaper?

3.      Talk to dog about big hole where Japanese lilies used to be.

4.      Also similar holes where iris, day lilies, echinacea and black-eyed susans used to be.

5.      Consider planting artificial flowers.

6.      See if guy down street who keeps asking for money wants to earn it performing dog bomb removal. Doubt it. Even winos have SOME standards.

7.      Landscapers expensive.  Maybe just get quotes.

8.      See if family of possums is still camped out under back porch. Assuming they are possums and not Ginormous Mutant Sewer Rats. In either case call exterminator because dog has already said indicated she has no intention of going under porch, the big weenie.

9.      Look online to see if there is any chance of using dog bombs to solve energy crisis.

10.  Also go online for landscaping tips, bypass landscaper fee entirely.

11.  Forget previous task. Preliminary search indicates cost of necessary equipment and products about double that of hiring professional. Also way more work than I want to do.

12.  Remind self to write essay about how yards might look better if left in natural state.

13.  Go online. Search "Teach Dog to Use Bathroom."

14.  Calculate amount of grass seed needed to patch bare spots in what is jokingly referred to as "lawn."

15.  Wow. Get estimate from paving company on cost of green concrete.

And then I had a stroke of springtime genius pop up ("kaboing") and hit me right in the face:

16.  Forget grass. Forget paving. Forget landscaping. Rent large rototiller. Plow back yard. Plant cantaloupe. See what terms dog will require for fertilizer contract.

I know what you're thinking. I'm an idiot. Raising cantaloupe IS a lot of work.


But it isn't yard work.

© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.

Tue, March 29, 2011 | link 

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By the way -- everything on this site is Copyright 2009 by Mike Redmond. If you copy it without my permission, I will hunt you down with either my dog or my lawyer. I'll probably go with the dog. She's smarter.

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